I looked at my own cervix.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
