sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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