I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
