Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
