there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
