i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
