You're earring is so big in my mouth
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
