i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You left your phone here
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