I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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