this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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