ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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