I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
So many bounce houses so little time
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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