I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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