that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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