My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
