eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
