I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
