Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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