What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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