Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
