doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
