i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize