You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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