I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
