Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
