There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
