Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize