There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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