he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
