i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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