so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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