So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
