life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
This baby is an asshole
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
