so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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