are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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