im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
