dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
