Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize