My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
