Is it because I queefed?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
