Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
