it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
