My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
