I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
