I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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