I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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