I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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