i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
