I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
