i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
