Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
