Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
