and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
