dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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