you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
